The Feeny-Argyllians' Tale

4 

The Feeny-Argyllians’ Tale 

 

    Dinner had taken some time: the Thwurbullerian, to name only one, ate immense amounts rather slowly; and then, there had been some confusion over Trff’s order, which BrTl had finally resolved, after the blobbed-out servo-mech that originally tried to serve it had been removed by a clutch of tidy-blobs and a new one had replaced it, by ordering a dish of agar-agar for it. And then again, there had been a discernible wait while the immense array of culture-pans behind the cafeteria’s service counter produced whatever it was the Feeny-Argyllians ordered. Dohra thought the result looked like stewed C’T’rean water-lettuce, but the paired beings pronounced it to be excellent. But finally even BrTl had finished and they all trooped back to the bar. To Dohra’s astonishment no being had taken their corner in their absence! Quietly blndreL took her aside and murmured in her round humanoid ear about the reputed mind-powers of Ju’ukrterian it-beings, and shields, and stuff like that. Though conceding feebly, as Dohra’s unintentional mind-message reached her loud and clear, that possibly BrTl’s height, weight and crunchers might have had something to do with it, too.

    BrTl thought they should all try a belt of Ybbertullian shw, it went well on full stomachs, but it didn’t even need Trff’s shrill whistle of alarm to alert most of them to the fact that this would probably be inadvisable, or, indeed, poison. In any case the servo-mech refused to serve it to him, and after Trff had done a little checking it was revealed that if the thing had tried to serve it to him its blob would have disintegrated it on the spot. Was there any being it would serve it to? he asked, while certain other beings were still gasping and recoiling. Trff’s reply was “many beings” and blndreL, for one, wasn’t too sorry to hear it. BrTl finally got his ship companion to admit that the many beings were Ybbertullian Trankwars, Ybbertullian Oopors, and Ybbertullian penkarrawees, and that these last, if sentient, were not the sort of being that normally departed from their home planet autonomously and, actually, were the Ybbertullian equivalent of domesticated grazing animals—yes. There weren't any Trankwars or Oopors in sight or, as Trff noted calmly, in any part of the spaceport. So that was that.

    “It’s an acquired taste,” BrTl then admitted.

    “Yes,” allowed Forty-Four politely. “Try the Whtyllian zhr’ee, BrTl.”

    This was discovered to be suited to the metabolisms of all except Trff, so it had a small fermented laa and the rest of them tried the zhr’ee. Dohra reported happily that it wasn’t unlike C’T’rean Sweet Table Wine! This wasn’t altogether surprising, those beings who had immediately registered it as being a fortified fruit wine silently noted. Added to which, Whtyll was a humanoid planet. She then reported happily that it went to your head awfully quickly! Everyone made pleasant noises and/or gestures of recognition and assent, even those who were not affected in this way and in fact didn’t have anything that could be called a head. 

 

    And Forty-Four politely invited the Feeny-Argyllians to tell their story.

    By this time some beings had had more than time to wonder just how paired beings did tell stories: would they take it phrase by phrase, or, um, paragraph by paragraph, or tell it in chorus, or—awful thought—would One tell it all and Two then repeat it? 

One:   It happened many megazillion light-years away on a beautiful planet that the Feeny-Argyllians call Home Planet.

Two:   It happened many megazillion light-years away on a beautiful planet that the Feeny-Argyllians call Home Planet.

Both: It happened many megazillion light-years away on a beautiful planet that the Feeny-Argyllians call Home Planet. 

    BrTl at this point might have been observed to close his eyes in momentary anguish, and, had any being been looking rather more closely, to close his mind to the whole bit, concentrating merely on the taste and effect of the zhr’ee. The Nblyterian didn’t show it, but she, too, had closed her mind to the whole bit. All other beings were listening politely and expectantly, though the suggestion of a sort of doomed feeling might have been discerned to be forming right at the back of Dohra’s mind by a being with mind-powers as strong as those of a Ju’ukrterian it-being. Not that this particular it-being was bothering to look. 

One:   On beautiful Home Planet there lived a One and Two.

Two:   On beautiful Home Planet there lived a Two and One.

Both: On beautiful Home Planet One/Two and Two/One was happy in its united beingness! Oh, beautiful Home Planet of the Feeny-Argyllians! Oh, blessings of united beingness! I praise the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet!

Two:   Then came a dire and dreadful day. Oh, woe and doom!

One:   Then came a dire and dreadful day. Oh, woe and doom!

Both: Then came a dire and dreadful day. Oh, woe and doom!

Two:   How it happened, no Feeny-Argyllian can tell. Two became separated from One! Could worse tragedy befall a Feeny-Argyllian?

One:   How it happened, no Feeny-Argyllian can tell. One became separated from Two! Could worse tragedy befall a Feeny-Argyllian?

Both: How it happened, no Feeny-Argyllian can tell. One/Two became separated from Two/One! Could worse tragedy befall a Feeny-Argyllian? No, dear united beings and dear off-worlders of my audience alike: no worse tragedy under the paired sun of beautiful Home Planet could befall a Feeny-Argyllian!

One:   Woe, woe, woe! Doom, doom, doom! Mere words cannot convey the despair and anguish of the separated One! Separated! I use the word with horror! No Feeny-Argyllian had ever had to conceive of, much less articulate, the concept before!

Two:   Woe, woe, woe! Doom, doom, doom! Mere words cannot convey the despair and anguish of the separated Two! Separated! I use the word with horror! No Feeny-Argyllian had ever had to conceive of, much less articulate, the concept before!

Both: Woe, woe, woe! Doom, doom, doom! Mere words cannot convey the despair and anguish of the separated One/Two! Separated! I use the word with horror! No Feeny-Argyllian had ever had to conceive of, much less articulate, the concept before! 

    At this point in the paired beings’ narrative water was observed, by those who were still awake, to be leaking out of Dohra’s eyes and pouring down her cheeks.

    “Senso-tissues,” ordered blndreL with a smothered sigh.

    “Thank you!” sobbed Dohra, as a servo-mech slid up with a bunch of them and they wafted into her hands. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose hard. “Oh, isn’t it sad?”

    “It’s all right, Great Mistress Dohra!” squeaked the yellow Flppu, bobbing anxiously. “It turns out all right in the end!”

    “Yes! You’ll see! It turns out all right in the end!” chorused the Feeny-Argyllians anxiously.

    “Does it? Oh, good,” she said soggily.

    “It doesn’t think Jhl does that,” reported Trff on a dubious note as more water came out of the humanoid’s eyes and she dabbed it away with a fresh senso-tissue. “Does she-it, BrTl?”

    No reply.

    BRTL! it sent crossly.

    BrTl came to. “Uh—wha’?”

    Water coming out of the eyes, and WAKE UP!

    “Uh—oh. Jhl? Yes, I have seen her do it, that time I accidentally trod on her foot—only with a toe!” he said quickly as the company gasped, squeaked or hooted in horror.

    Pain? This humanoid being (female) is feeling sorrow, not pain, it sent.

    Eh? Oh, well, whatever blobs you up. “Um—senso-tissues, wasn’t it?” he fumbled.

    “Yes, I’ve got some, thanks, BrTl,” she said soggily. “I'm sorry, One and Two: I didn’t meant to interrupt. It’s a wonderful story; it’s just that it’s so sad!”

    At this some sort of mental light-blob appeared to go on, because they cried pleasedly: “Yes, isn’t it? I think so!”

    Look, sent BrTl crossly to his ship-companion, the plasmo-blasted beings are enjoying it, water coming out of the eyes or not, and don’t dare to tell me it’s a contradiction, and can I go back to my snooze, please? And if water comes out of any being’s eyes in the next IG hour, I don’t want to know!

    Comprehensive, it replied. BrTl ignored any suggestion of emanations and took it merely literally. And, accepting a second zhr’ee with a refreshing side-order of Oononian sparkling spring water with a jolly-berry twist—that n’nk salt had been salty, to say nothing of the salted Tumbrian Giant Grouper starter at dinner—settled back in his corner and allowed his eyelids gently to sink… 

Two:   Woe, woe, woe! Doom, doom, doom! Separated! The skies darkened, cruel winds blew from the Mountains of Morpdt, frozen crystals fell on the Great Plain of Kallunddt, the creeks froze and even the Mighty Feeny-Fiywiggdt River itself ran cold and sluggish, thick with freezing crystals.

One:   I pray to the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet. Unite the separated being, oh Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet! Spare the doomed one! Bring light, warmth and sunshine to our beautiful Feeny-Argyllian world again!

Two:   But the cold wind blew and the world of the Feeny-Argyllians was dark and cold. Was the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet not listening to the pleas of the home world people? 

    At this point blndreL blinked, and sat up straight with a jerk, frowning.

    Yes, the Thwurbullerian agreed tranquilly. So have I. Megazillions of times. We’ve got a Thwurbullerian version, in fact. If you look, you’ll see the humanoid finds it familiar, too.

    Nodding groggily, blndreL groped for the fresh glass of zhr’ee the servo-mech was proffering. Megazillions is right! But One and Two seem to—to think it’s an original story! Uh—regeneration myth? she sent somewhat wildly to Forty-Four.

    Some of them call their versions that, it agreed, accepting a barrel of Rwthwarian ale from the servo-mech. And some versions actually are. They’re usually from planets that have seasons. We call ours the seasonal myth. We don't tell it much, these days. “Would anyone else care for more refreshment?”

    Soon all beings had fresh drinks, Dohra’s being merely Oononian sparkling spring water with a jolly-berry twist, the Thwurbullerian having vetoed the idea of more of the “strong” zhr’ee. And the Feeny-Argyllians asked politely: “Shall I go on?”—“Shall I go on?”

    “Please do, One and Two,” replied the Thwurbullerian imperturbably.

    “Uh—please, it’s fascinating,” croaked blndreL limply.

    Emanating gratification, the Feeny-Argyllians went on. 

One:   Was the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet not listening to the pleas of the home world people? The cold wind blew and the world of the Feeny-Argyllians was dark and cold. Alas, alas! Alas for the separated being! Alas for the people!

Two:   IG months passed, and the separated Two wandered in darkness and misery. Alone! The word was like a knell. Oh, pity the separated being! Mercy for the separated being!

One:   But the cold wind blew from the Mountains of Morpdt, frozen crystals fell on the Great Plain of Kallunddt, and alas, the Mighty Feeny-Fiywiggdt River was frozen over with solid crystals. And the people knew there was no mercy in the land of the united beings.

Two:   More IG months passed, and still the separated Two wandered in darkness and misery.

One:   Unite the separated One, oh Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet! Bring warmth and light back to beautiful Home Planet, and spare the people this trial!

Two:   Sprinkle the n’nk salt on the ground, united beings of Home Planet! Pray to the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet! 

    “This is what the people do at home when a united being tells the story—you see?” they said, sprinkling a little n’nk salt.

    Their audience had jumped—except for BrTl, who was motionless, and the Flppu, who was also sprinkling n’nk salt.

    “Yes,” said Dohra, smiling mistily and allowing another bunch of senso-tissues to waft into her hand. “It’s such a lovely story, One and Two! But so sad! And you know what? I think I might’ve heard a story back home on C’T’rea that’s just a little bit like it! But we don’t have all those mighty mountains and rivers in the area where I come from. There are icy mountains, but they’re very far north and south and it cost rafts of super-igs to go there. Your planet must be very beautiful, even in the winter.”

    “Oh, yes, it’s very beautiful all the time!” they chorused. “And very comfortable! Everyone has blob heating now, of course! This is a very old story.”

    At this blndreL tried hard not to catch the Thwurbullerian’s eye. She stared fixedly into her glass.

    “Yes,” agreed the Flppu happily. “This is a very old story, and at home we always sprinkle the n’nk salt when we tell it.”

    “Yes,” they said, “we do, but there’s no need to waste it, S-Fl’Chuyilleea. Would any being care for some jing-jing nuts to go with it?”

    Most beings would, so the servo-mech brought them.

    And the Feeny-Argyllians went on with their story. 

One:   The n’nk salt had been sprinkled—yes, thank you, S-Fl’Chuyilleea, that’s enough!—and still the cold wind blew, and still the land lay under frozen crystals. Two/One mourned the lost One/Two. One/Two mourned the lost Two/One. More IG months passed…

Two:   But then a change was felt in the air. And where the n’nk salt had lain the crystals were gone!

One:   Is this the separated Two returning to the One?

Two:   Is this the separated One returning to the Two?

Both: Oh, rejoice, united beings of beautiful Home Planet! This is the separated One/Two returning to the Two/One! The cold wind no longer blows from the Mountains of Morpdt! On the Great Plain of Kallunddt the frozen crystals melt! The Mighty Feeny-Fiywiggdt River flows again! Warmth and light have returned to the Home World of the united beings! Oh, praise the Great United Being who brought united beingness to Home Planet! On beautiful Home Planet One/Two and Two/One is happy in its united beingness! Oh, beautiful Home Planet of the Feeny-Argyllians! Oh, blessings of united beingness! I praise the Great United Being who brings united beingness to Home Planet! 

    “There!” chirped the Flppu excitedly. “I praise the Great United Being who brings united beingness to Home Planet! It’s turned out all right in the end!”

    Dohra seized another handful of senso-tissues and blew her nose hard, then clapping her hands in a humanoid expression of appreciation. The Nblyterian, nodding, followed suit by tapping one foot repeatedly. The Thwurbullerian waggled its frontal lobes. Trff waved an appreciative antenna. BRTL! it sent crossly. Wake up! Show appreciation!

    “Uh—oh. Finished, eh?” he said cautiously, opening one eye.

    Yes! Clap or something!

    “Huh? Oh!” He opened the other eye. He didn’t use his two hands much for that sort of gesture, not when amongst frailer beings. So he shot out two pseudopods and clapped with them. It seemed to go down all right—at least, the paired beings bowed their slender necks and made the tootling noise they had earlier produced at the conclusion of other beings’ stories and on tasting the cooked vegetable muck at dinner, so presumably they were pleased.

    That was interesting. This it-being has heard similar stories before.

    BrTl didn’t ask, he just replied: I’m sure. Very little new in the Known Universe, eh?

    “It was very clever, the way they told it, wasn’t it?” said Dohra earnestly.

    Was this young female mammalian humanoid mad? Would numbers of s-beings belonging to the Full College of Full Surgeons rush in at any moment and haul her off to a nursing-home on Mullgon’ya, never to be seen or heard from again?

    No, and no, sent Trff calmly.

    Don't do that, Trff! “Uh—oh, the way they told it; yes, very clever, Dohra,” BrTl agreed weakly.

    “Yes! And did you realise that once the being was together again, they didn’t speak separately any more!” she beamed.

    “You noticed!” they cried.

    Hard not to, admitted Trff. At the same time the Thwurbullerian and the Nblyterian were involuntarily sending: Hard not to, so BrTl conceded it must’ve been.

    “Yes,” said Dohra, pinkening and smiling. “It was very clever, One and Two.”

    “Oh, thank you!” they chorused. “But it is traditional to tell it that way, of course!”

    “I see. Um, how did the One and Two get together again, if I may ask?” she asked curiously.

    This’ll be good, predicted BrTl, generously including Forty-Four and blndreL in the thought.

    You sent it, they agreed, overlooking the fact that Trff had just sent No, it won't.

    It depended on one’s point of view, mused BrTl, as the paired beings replied earnestly: “Oh, in the usual way!” When this didn’t seem to make an impression, Two got up and moved a little away from One, reminding Dohra: “Like brothers.” And then rejoined its other half. “Like that,” they said, tootling kindly.

    “I see,” she said weakly. “Was it—was it based on a true story?” –Several beings were broadcasting madly It’s a myth! so BrTl concluded it had to be a myth.

    “Oh, yes. But its origins are lost in the mists of time,” they said nicely.

    BrTl could feel Trff’s unease. Hurriedly he explained: Figure of speech!

    It should hope so! it replied indignantly. There’s nothing misty about time!

    “I suppose it’s a myth, really.”—“I suppose it’s a myth, really,” the Feeny-Argyllians concluded.

    Trff didn’t react in any way except to recognise this as a concluding statement. Dohra was nodding in some awe. The Flppu’s mind couldn’t encompass most of the notions just expressed and it had stopped listening and was sneakily eating some of the n’nk salt without benefit of nuts. Forty-Four and blndreL, however, were, BrTl could see, reduced to silence. Jhl had a really good expression for it. Uh…

    Flabbergasted?

    No. –Close, he allowed.

    Gob-smacked?

    Thank you-it, Trff. Gob-smacked it is. And as a matter of fact, that goes for me as well, in quintupled 5-D triangles!